Wow I seriously haven’t been on here in a really long time. So much has been going on that for some reason I just don’t feel the need to have to waste my time in front of the computer, when time with family is precious especially right now. I’ve thought about writing this a thousand times and never really knew when the right time would be to right everything I’ve been feeling and what has been going on. For the longest time I always thought I knew what pain was, maybe it’s because I’m young, I don’t really know. But May 3rd, 2010 made me realize what pain really is, what it really means to feel your heart break and feel hopeless. Growing up I didn’t have cousins my age, especially 1st cousins. Within the last three years my family was blessed with two new additions to the family. Things were finally changing, it all started with Miles Christopher he was the 1st boy grandchild in the family. And just recently we were blessed with another baby, Apollo Max, baby Lucky. For those who don’t know the story Apollo- Max got the nickname baby Lucky from his Kuya (older brother) Miles who gave him that name long before my Auntie and Uncle thought of naming him Apollo. To think about it, it was meant to be. Apollo was born 10 weeks early at Stanford Lucile Packard Hospital on Monday March 8th, 2010. He was 3lbs 3 oz and 16 inches. The first time I saw him he was so small, he was hairy all over, we called him our little monkey. I remember watching him breath and I’d always be scared because he was so small, but I knew he was a fighter. He was eventually transfered to Washington Hospital closer to home. I tried to visit him as much as I could. I remember one time not being able to see him because I just got over being sick, I was so upset. I had to stand outside of the hospital room looking through a glass door seeing his incubator where he spent most of his time. I talked to him as if some how I knew he heard me and knew that I’d come back to see him. Easter Day it rained so bad and that parking at the hospital was horrible, I walked on heels from the emergency parking to his room, by the time I got there I was hurting and wet, but it was worth it. That day we shared our first picture together. It was also the day we gave him his first present a stuffed Easter Bunny with blue fur, polka dotted ears and it holding a flower. A lot of the time I posted him on here saying how much I love him and miss him, that I’d be a good Ate for him. On April 26,2010 he was released from the hospital and sent home. That day we headed to his house to see him, I didn’t carry him that day, I didn’t take a picture, all the things I should have done. But before I left I rubbed noses with him and kissed him. It was the very last time I saw him. Monday morning May 3rd, 2010 I woke up at 4 am to my parents saying they were leaving to the hospital to get Miles because Apollo was rushed to the emergency room, he was having a hard time breathing. By 5 am I was up and taking care of my 3 year old cousin,and at 6 my dad was on the phone and began crying and I knew in the pit of my stomach that it wasn’t good. By 7 am my mom took me to Stanford Lucile Packard Hospital. She told me that Apollo was having a hard time breathing, he had milk in his lungs, and had a lot of acid in his body.If he were to make it he wouldn’t live a normal like. Doctors didn’t think he’d make it past the bridge, but he did, he made it back to the place where he was first born. Shortly after, he passed away. When I got the hospital they led us to a room with his name written on a whiteboard. The room was dark lonely and felt of emptiness, not going to lie but the room itself annoyed me. As I walked in I saw my best friend and my Auntie crying and as I approached them I saw my baby in their hands, and as much as he looked alive, he wasn’t. That day changed things forever, our hearts all broke, but it also made us a stronger family. It was one of the hardest days, weeks for all of us. Yes I was made, yes I questioned God, I was even mad at him, I was mad at the world and no one could fix it. I was angry at my best friend she didn’t understand. My world fell apart. And to imagine what my Auntie and Uncle must be feeling is a million times worse. That day I held him for the 1st time and as I held him in my arms I cried and asked him to wake up because I felt as if this was some horrible joke. At one point I choked and thought it was him gasping for air. The days after things weren’t the same, and as much as we all tried to act normal it was hard. That following Thursday mom sent me to school, I don’t know I couldn’t handle it. I just felt I needed to be with my family. I never imagined that I’d never see him again. I couldn’t say goodbye and at one point I almost kept that bunny because I thought that’s the closest I’ll ever have to him, but I knew I’d be a bad Ate if I did that. I always question everything know, to see what it would have been like if things were different, but I know it’s not good to question. I think about what it would have been like when we get older, would we be close and be like best friends, would we be a close family and see each other on weekends. I know these things will never happen, and it hurts so much to know that. There’s not a day that doesn’t go by were I don’t think of him and wish he was here. I always put his picture on my desk because somehow I feel like he’s always with me. A lot of me is still in denial I guess, it makes me wonder if I’m crazy because for some reason I feel like I will see him tomorrow or the next day. There was just so much life in him, and when I look at his pictures I feel as if he’s telling me everything is okay and that he doesn’t want to see me sad anymore. I just miss him and I don’t know how to fill this emptiness. The other night I had a dream of him where I was standing by a counter and I felt a cold nudge on my arm and I knew it was him, it made me happy to see he’s finally visiting me. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.
Apollo Max I know I never got to take care of you. I didn’t get to hold you in my arms and kiss you till you cried from being smothered too much. We never got to be best friends and I tell you all the things you shouldn’t do when you get older. I never got to spoil you and buy you toys for you to play with. But I will always remember the few times I saw you, and yes I’m thankful I was one of the few that saw you. I’m honored to have you as my cousin, because you are now in heaven no longer in pain watching over us, our little angel. My heart breaks, it will always break when ever I think of you, because I love you so much and I had hoped for so much. You will be missed, never forgotten and your memory will live on. You’re a fighter and our angel.
I love you forever and ever. You’ll always be my little monkey.
“When you look up at the sky, just know I’ll be there…”