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2 years ago
There’s Days
where I feel on top of the world like nothing that I thought was bad would hurt me anymore. Then there’s those days where you feel hopeless and ready to fall apart. Lately thats been me. I’ve been going through a lot, not just now but the whole year. It has been nothing but change and lots of tears. Some smiles though and memories that make this year worth remembering. But overall it’s been hard. So many things I regret and wish I could change. When I look back at it I feel I could have been better or done something to make it better. I think about these things all the time, a million ways to redo everything. And when I find out how I could have changed it I wonder why I did what I did in the first place. So far I think this has been one of the worst years for me but also one of the best I’ve done things I never imagined I could do and have become more dependent on myself then waiting on others. But sometimes I feel lost, lost within my emotions which make me go crazy. People sometimes don’t understand me they think I’m too much, over dramatic, or just a bitch. Yes I know I can be all those things but I do have feelings too. Lately I’ve realized how well I can hide my feelings though. Or maybe people just don’t want to say anything, which sometimes makes me feel better. But either way I’m not always what you see. Somedays I can be really happy because no matter how much things are tearing me apart why do I want it to ruin my day or the time I’m spending with my friends. I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer in the group. But then again you can tell when something is bugging me. And what I usually do is just brush it off to others like I’m fine. I just don’t see the point of saying how I really feel sometimes. Or maybe it’s because I’m scared. A lot of the time it’s that. I never get any true advice that I don’t already know. But holding things in for so long sometimes hurt. Not just emotionally but physically. I never knew what that was like till know. Some people don’t understand these feelings I have but there are also many other people that do and have been or will go through this. Somedays I wake up and wonder why I still feel the way I do because I had tried so hard the night before to show myself it’s no big deal. Or why I feel like I’m being eaten alive from my feelings. Some of these things you can’t shake off. And right now I’m having a hard time doing just that. One day though I hope to wake up feeling reassured and healthy enough to move on and just think of this as another beginning. But for know no matter how much I try to do that and believe in everything I say It’s somehow impossible. Maybe one day.
Notes
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